Nostalgia

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human. Maybe, we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

I have once again hit the road bump called nostalgia.

I've hit the road I don't feel alone, but I feel like I've done something wrong. And I'm not liking this outcome. If I look back a year ago today... I remember exactly how sure I felt about everything. Then again, I remember how unsure I was, too. At this point in time a year ago, I was living with Nyssa and Mikhail. I was working at Kroger, and I was getting pumped and excited for EFY 2008. I was so excited to go with Mari, Jessica, Thomas, David... all of them. I was excited to see all of them, and they were excited to see me.

Right now, I don't believe there's one soul who's looking forward to seeing me. I get so tired of getting my hopes up, because I plan to see friends that live far distances. And I am having the hardest time getting through this knowing that I've lost every single close friend I once had. Every single one. It's a gap only I can see and feel, and it's kind of tormenting me beyond imagination. You can say "Nothing's changed... don't think like that Natalia!" But it's true. A year ago... I could lean on the best group of friends the Lord has ever sent me. I was planning a summer with them, and I knew I truly had friends.

Doubt. It's what always gets me. Doubt that I'll be able to trust anyone enough to find a group of friends like the one I had. Doubt. I thought I knew what I wanted completely, and that my choices were what would define what truly happened. But it seems my choices aren't the only choices that will define my future, and that's what confuses me the most. I realize that after a certain amount of time, that the more people repeat ignorance, and try to act like I didn't ask them something, and completely ignore what I ask them.. and wait until the last minute to make up and excuse... it really does do more damage than I'd like. I'm sitting here at my computer, the left of my keyboard I have 2 hairspray cans, my competition number from the feis, my headband for my irishdance dress, and a bottle of pain killers. On my right, I have a bottle of lotion, a jar with highlighters in it, an empty sobe bottle, and a ring I bought at a Souvenir shop in Port Aransas. Above my computer, on my wall, is a poster board with pictures from EFY last year taped to it.... And next to that, a poster from my last Priest/Laurel activity.
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side





The climb is the hardest, I promise. This doubt is a weight I've carried my whole life... and a year ago, I had the foundation that out-weighed the doubt. And here in 2009, I've got this weight that's out-weighing anything else. Words are little, VERY VERY little... when everything that's done, contradicts the words.

I feel bad. Most of you were proud of how I was... proud of who I was becoming.

A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.