"If any of you will stand up in the last day..."

On Monday it will have been 2 weeks since I last spoke to a few people.

2 weeks later, I'm happy. I really am the happiest I've been in a really longs time. I'm not sure exactly about all I do and say, other that I know they're true. I mean every thing I'm doing and saying to those around me. I've moved on from those who chose to not speak to me in this time duration, but I still love them.

This isn't a new beginning to a start.. It's a new chapter to the book. I have no idea what's in store for me, but I know that the Lord will be by my side in everything. That I'll make sure he's by my side... I'll carry on, press forward, and I'll forever love the gospel and everything in it.

With this week closing, and a new one opening, I'm just now remembering that I should be receiving my copy of my Patriarchal Blessing, in the mail. And I can't wait! I know, from getting such a blessing, that I will have those in my life who will stay close and dear to the gospel.. And I'll also have those who will fall away, and lose faith. And it scares me to think that any of my friends would completely fall away from the church. But I can't wait to help them in their endeavors, and their hope that hope will carry them back to where they want to be.

The Lord is so good to us sometimes, we don't realize it. He puts us in the right situations, at the right times, and he prepares us to be ready to be the kind of person we're suppose to be, for those situations to be fulfilled; if we're righteous.

"It is within that small moment that we little realize the significance that the situation will have in our lives. We must hold onto what is true, and we will then be blessed with understanding."

I want to touch on so many topics, but I'll limit it for your (The readers) sake. I believe that sometimes we lose hope because we feel that it is the Lord's job to carry us on. To get us through a situation or trial, the Lord has to be in control. As this is a good thing to live by, it's sometimes a foolish way to live. He cannot make our decisions, our choices are ours. We tend to believe he will lead our way... But he merely holds our hand as we choose to get up. He cannot make us get up, he cannot make you choose to be stronger, he cannot make you want to be better.

Sow an act and you reap a habit.
Sow a habit and you reap a character.
Sow a character and you reap a destiny.
~ Charles Reade (1814 - 1884) English novelist

I cannot wait to see who I, along with many others, will become. Who am I going to be? Who am I going to be a Mrs. to? Who will I trust completely, and feel is worth an eternity with?

The Patriarch, Brother Taylor, said "Do you know that your husband is out there, that your match is out there? Whether you know him or not, he's out there." And this was just the conversation we had before the blessing.

I cannot wait to stand pure, and spotless before the Lord, and know that he is real. To know that my belief was never in vain.

Day 1

February 3rd, 2009


Day 1:
Today I worked, went to the park with Morgan, came home and took picture with Morgan and Mychael, took a nap, and then went to FHE.

Not much to mention, but there ya go!

Strength Beyond My Own - Various Authors and Composers

Finding joy in the journey

In times of trial one asks "Why me?" Why would someone like yourself be put into such situations? Especially situations that you started, but didn't intend the outcome it had? We also ask "Why?" Why would those around you react as such, when you know a different side of them? I once heard a quote that said "Only a big change will tell you who your real friends and family are". But doesn't that go for the one who started it all, too? There have been many situations where the one causing the problem thought that the only people who needed to truly apologize, were everyone else. But in many instances, it's the person who sees only them self as the person who needs to apologize. Trials are sticky situations provided by the Lord. So why are we so hurt? Don't we know that as long as we keep a smile in our heart, and a laugh on our tongue, that nothing can stop us from getting to where we want to be? Finding joy in journey's that have done much harm on both sides, really is worth mentioning. I've figured out that those who truly love their friends will put themselves in a situation that was never theirs to begin with. I also figured out that those who are truly your best friend, won't feel the need to put themselves in the situation, as they are too busy trying to make you forget the past and encouraging you to move on. With them being the one leading you into it.
I'm finding joy in all of this, the journey's... all of it. Jared's going to get a kick in the booty for bugging me on the phone last night, but will surely get a hug for letting me not only yell at him, but for giving me advice. He's an amazing young man, who has this keen talent to be trusted with that which we refuse to tell anyone else.

Its a great thing to be proud. You should be. You should hold your pretty head high and keep those dazzling eyes of yours forward. But not so much that you can’t hang your head low and say your sorry with a tear in your eye when you should.

I think that most people feel that they need to be upset for anything to mean something... For there to be a lesson learned. That's how I felt yesterday... All day. It's not the pain, guilt and sorrow you feel that teaches the lesson, but the light that lifts you up to show you that even through all of it, you can still make it and be happy. Don't ever feel that someone HAS to, or NEEDS to be held onto long for it to mean anything. I think that in the situation where trials effect everyone, it is no longer one's fault when one has sincerely apologized, and asked for forgiveness in return. But it is one's fault when you choose to be unhappy. "...be miserable like unto himself." Finding joy, is seeing what you lacked in the beginning that has made you want to become better.

My brothers and sisters, there is no tomorrow to remember if we don’t do something today.-- Thomas S. Monson

“As I have loved you, . . . love one another.” -- John 13:34

Our realization of what is most important in life goes hand in hand with gratitude for our blessings. -- Thomas S. Monson

God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face.-- Jeffrey R. Holland

Our testimonies have been strengthened. I believe we are all the more determined to live the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ. -- Thomas S. Monson

"Never explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it."

A best friend can tell you things you don’t want to tell yourself.

A true friend is someone you can disagree with and still remain friends.If not, they weren’t true friends in the first place.

A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half cracked.

Friends are worth living for.

Even in times of trial.

Find Joy in the Journey, and love one another... The fault is passed when it's no longer your fault for another one's unhappiness. When they make the choice that they are still unhappy.



When your dreams are only a sunset, set in the western skies; Remember it's a sunrise, in someone elses eyes.

Come what may, and love it.

I've probably done the biggest regrets, in the past 24 hours than I EVER have.

I was told a certain spirit -- one of evil-- loved to stay in my room. The source who told me was someone who I trust, and is probably one of the most spiritual people I know. This person told me that they heard this spirit, Aaron, speaking ill. He just kept going on, and was trying to convince of the devaluation to those around him, and namely me. I was told by this person that he, the spirit, loves to just spew words of disguting, degrading manner. And this person told me that if I ever felt like I was worth nothing, or my friends weren't good, or I felt like they weren't much to me, to tell Aaron to go away. I didn't realize until I woke up this morning, and had the SAME, disgusting, putrid thoughts go through my head, that I was being taunted by this spirit. I turned while putting my hair in a ponytail and said "Aaron, go wallow in your misery, but do it outside of my room. You are not welcome here." I then broke down from guilt, grief, and sorrow... and just cried for a few minutes. When I got to work I got there 30 minutes early. I took a 24 pack of cans of beer, and sat on in, and read my Book of Mormon, until I had to clock in. And that sustained my emotions from overflowing, by giving me a boost to make it through out the day.

While at work I thought of each person who I had hurt severely yesterday. I thought of different scenarios as to how this will all turn out to be... And I'd like to share them.
Mari:
#1. I go to her house, tell her I'm sorry, but of course.. sob the whole time... And she would step away from me, and say "I'm sorry, but it's going to take some time."
#2. I ask Mari to come over to help with a gift for someone, and then say sorry. She would give me a hug and tell me she still loves me.
Jessica:
#1. Call her and, of course I'd be crying.. like I have been 75% of today.. And have her hang up on me.
#2. Get on IM, tell her how truly, and deeply sorry I am, and have her say "I still love you. But it's going to take some time to forgive you... But I do love you."
Sis.Trotter:
#1. Call her and apologize, and have her yell whatever she'd like at me, and I'd accept and feel that I do deserve such things.
#2. Go to Arkansas within the next few weeks, go to Sis.Trotters, ask her to hear me out, and to go on a walk with me, where I'd pour out my grief, and sorrow, and shame... I'd apologize and I'd be able to be at least welcome to their home.
Sis.Scott:
#1.Call her and tell her how truly sorry I am, and seek for any (If she's willing to share) advice from her as to what I should do though I have hurt her, and her family. I reckoned she'd be Sis.Scott, and give me a few words of advice, along with a few words of honesty about how horrid it was of me to do such things.
#2. Go to Arkansas within the next few weeks, and have her and Jessica go on a walk with me... half way on the walk, I'd ask to just have Jessica to talk to, and have Sis.Scott return, where I'd later thank her graciously.
Heather:
#1. Call her phone, and speak to her personally, hear her side of the story, tell my side, and express my aching pain, and sorrow and overwhelming guilt for being so selfish, and ask her forgiveness... She'd hang up on me, but would have at least listened.
#2. Go up to Arkansas, and tell her personally, I'm sorry. She'd be understanding, but tell me that it'll take some time. But that she still loves me.
David:
#1. IM him on facebook, and hear his opinion, I'd tell him what I thought, but I'd try to listen to the wisdom he seems to be overflowing with. He'd be angry, and might get offline... but at least he'd talk to me.
#2. Go to Arkansas ASAP, and personally pour out my soul to him, of everything I'm sorry for towards him, where he'd then say "You still have much to learn"... But he'd also tell me he loves me still.

The difference between each one had my doubt, and guilt running hay-wire... Needless to say, I was very busy, and got much accomplished at work today, because I had so much on my mind.

I realize how stupid I am, and that I am going to have to change to gain these wonderful people's trust, and love back... And I'm going to. I promise you I will. I also wrote each person a personal letter today. I plan to mail them in hope that it'll do some good... As I feel I'll never be welcome in the Ozark/Clarksville area, again.

I love them all very much, and actually made a video about EACH of them the other day... And.. I can tell that Aaron worked hard with me, because I had this overwhelming coat of gratitude for them, just Sunday.

I hope they can love and forgive me again, but until then... Come what may... And I will love it. For I know that this experience will teach me much, and will help me grow to become better.

Thank you David and Mari for talking with me, and helping me see so much... Thank you. I love you all, and I can only say that I'd have to be possessed with the darkest of words to ever say such as that... I will be stronger, and I will be better. I will never, and I promise you, never say something like that again. And I will never hurt you, purposefully, like this, ever again. Thank you for giving me the time I've already had, to be so close, and to have you as such wonderful friends, and guidance's... You are all wonderful examples, and I'm sorry I couldn't be as much back to you. One day I promise I will be better, and I will make it up to you, what you have been, and done for me.

I will always be here, no matter what trials may come... I will press forward and have faith that I will get to where I want to be. And need to be. There is no trial too hard, that could shake the very grounds of Zion our friendship as a gang has been built upon. Though I may be at one end for now, with you at the other... We are still in the same place.

I love you all. Jessica, I love you. And I am so sorry. Mari, I love you. And I'm sorry. Sis.Trotter, I do love, and look up to you. And I am truly, thoroughly sorry. Sis.Scott, I love you! And I am so sorry about all of this. Heather, I really do love you. And I'm sorry I've hurt you. David, I am SO so sorry. And I love you so dearly, and always will.

If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness. --Joseph B. Wirthlin

But the dial on the wheel of sorrow eventually points to each of us. At one time or another, everyone must experience sorrow. No one is exempt.-- Joseph B. Wirthlin

Unity

As we consider the unity required for Zion to flourish, we should ask ourselves if we have overcome jarrings, contentions, envyings, and strifes (see D&C 101:6). Are we individually and as a people free from strife and contention and united "according to the union required by the law of the celestial kingdom"? (D&C 105:4). Forgiveness of one another is essential to this unity. Jesus said, "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men" (D&C 64:10).

We will become of one heart and one mind as we individually place the Savior at the center of our lives and follow those He has commissioned to lead us. We can unite with President Thomas S. Monson in love and concern for one another. In general conference last April, President Monson spoke to those estranged from the Church and to all of us when he said: "In the private sanctuary of one's own conscience lies that spirit, that determination to cast off the old person and to measure up to the stature of true potential. In this spirit, we again issue that heartfelt invitation: Come back. We reach out to you in the pure love of Christ and express our desire to assist you and to welcome you into full fellowship. To those who are wounded in spirit or who are struggling and fearful, we say, Let us lift you and cheer you and calm your fears" ("Looking Back and Moving Forward," Liahona and Ensign, May 2008, 90).

At the end of July this year, young single adults from several countries in eastern Europe gathered outside Budapest, Hungary, for a conference. Among this group were 20 young men and women from Moldova who had spent days obtaining passports and visas and over 30 hours traveling by bus to get there. The conference program included some 15 workshops. Each person needed to select the two or three that he or she most wanted to attend. Rather than focus exclusively on their own interests, these Moldovan young adults got together and made plans so that at least one of their group would be in each class and take copious notes. Then they would share what they had learned with each other and later with the young adults in Moldova who could not attend. In its simplest form, this exemplifies the unity and love for one another that, multiplied thousands of times in different ways, will "bring again Zion" (Isaiah 52:8).

Untitled

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb rubish
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl:

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

Lover of Ashes

Oh lover of ashes
Be patient with me
My filthy complexion is all that I see
But up from these ashes a beauty will rise
The pride of her father
Though humble in size

Small

I don’t want to make you small
I don’t want to fit you in my pocket
A cross around my throat
You are brighter than the sun
You’re closer than the tiny thoughts I have of you
But I could never fathom you at all

Back Home

Don’t let your eyes get used to darkness
The light is coming soon
Don’t let your heart get used to sadness
Put your hope in what is true

No matter how the wind may blow
It cannot shake the sun
Lay your sorrows on the ground
It’s time to come back home

When the future seems uncertain
Like the coming of a storm
Your loving Father carries his children
When they can’t walk anymore

No matter how the wind may blow
It cannot shake the sun
Lay your sorrows on the ground
It’s time to come back home

Oh, back home…

I am Pro-Life.