Nostalgia

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human. Maybe, we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

I have once again hit the road bump called nostalgia.

I've hit the road I don't feel alone, but I feel like I've done something wrong. And I'm not liking this outcome. If I look back a year ago today... I remember exactly how sure I felt about everything. Then again, I remember how unsure I was, too. At this point in time a year ago, I was living with Nyssa and Mikhail. I was working at Kroger, and I was getting pumped and excited for EFY 2008. I was so excited to go with Mari, Jessica, Thomas, David... all of them. I was excited to see all of them, and they were excited to see me.

Right now, I don't believe there's one soul who's looking forward to seeing me. I get so tired of getting my hopes up, because I plan to see friends that live far distances. And I am having the hardest time getting through this knowing that I've lost every single close friend I once had. Every single one. It's a gap only I can see and feel, and it's kind of tormenting me beyond imagination. You can say "Nothing's changed... don't think like that Natalia!" But it's true. A year ago... I could lean on the best group of friends the Lord has ever sent me. I was planning a summer with them, and I knew I truly had friends.

Doubt. It's what always gets me. Doubt that I'll be able to trust anyone enough to find a group of friends like the one I had. Doubt. I thought I knew what I wanted completely, and that my choices were what would define what truly happened. But it seems my choices aren't the only choices that will define my future, and that's what confuses me the most. I realize that after a certain amount of time, that the more people repeat ignorance, and try to act like I didn't ask them something, and completely ignore what I ask them.. and wait until the last minute to make up and excuse... it really does do more damage than I'd like. I'm sitting here at my computer, the left of my keyboard I have 2 hairspray cans, my competition number from the feis, my headband for my irishdance dress, and a bottle of pain killers. On my right, I have a bottle of lotion, a jar with highlighters in it, an empty sobe bottle, and a ring I bought at a Souvenir shop in Port Aransas. Above my computer, on my wall, is a poster board with pictures from EFY last year taped to it.... And next to that, a poster from my last Priest/Laurel activity.
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side





The climb is the hardest, I promise. This doubt is a weight I've carried my whole life... and a year ago, I had the foundation that out-weighed the doubt. And here in 2009, I've got this weight that's out-weighing anything else. Words are little, VERY VERY little... when everything that's done, contradicts the words.

I feel bad. Most of you were proud of how I was... proud of who I was becoming.

A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

4-7-2009. Redefining is never made easy.

If you're serious about sanctification, you can expect to experience heart-wrenching moments that try your faith, your endurance, and your patience." -- Sheri Dew

I've come to realize that when you redefine yourself, that means that you need to define the difference between what is worth it, and what's left unsolved. In this task, I've sent messages of apology to many who deserved them. I've also come to realize that maybe people were left in the past for a reason... And whatever reason it is, is a good reason... since everything happens for reasons beyond our ability to comprehend as to why. I know this room, and I've walked this floor... I at more than 1 point in time, lost my closest group of friends, because of a similar situation. And as I did then, I will do now. Though the road may look desolate, I know that there are foot prints at certain points, and certain points where the prints end... So I too will be able to see a path no other could, and I'll be able to walk a more defined, and refined path. And hopefully my trek on this road will last just a little longer than the last set before the ones I am forming... for it will be a testament to the next to travel such, that you can make it, no matter how long or how many times you walk it, or others have walked it. I will form friendships beyond measure, but hold onto the few and dear ones I have now with an eternal grasp that not even the very gates of hell can shake off.

In this time I'll be scraping, burning, building and relishing in the new ideas, and merely scooting the old aside. EFY is on my schedule. Provo Session 1, here I come! With EFY, comes the wonderful opportunity for me to define my spiritual self, build it, and spread it about. I'll also meet people with a good head on their shoulders, both spiritually, and mentally. I'm so ready to gain new friends who'll add to my already wonderful amount of friends; whom I've been overly blessed with. I know that in order to find something, you first must lose it. But I'm so grateful for the few I have by my side, who I will gladly continue my journey with. Mari is such a sweet young woman. She's always at my bedroom door when she gets wind of even an INKLING of my feeling down. She's always reminding me, and others of her availability to be there at any moment, if needs be. She's such an amazing example of selfless service. Robert is by far, one of the biggest role model's when it comes to forgiveness. He's been, above all, my best of friends. He's taught me a lot about responsibility, respect, and plain common sense. He's a great listener, and sometimes it annoys me that he IS such a person. Because he's even willing to listen to rants. And if anyone elses rants are as bad at mine (or worse), he's definitely a saint. He's honest with me, and puts me in my place. He seems to be sorry when I listen to a problem he has, or something weighing heavy on his mind... but that seems to be the MOST out-of-place time to say it. Because someone as accepting, and honest as him... is worth listening to. He, is not above anyone when it comes to "who is a better friend than another." He's just the Vanilla frosting on my Vanilla cake. As Mari is my Strawberry frosting on my strawberry cake. I sure do use cake in a lot of my explaining things... dang. But to finish up what I was getting to, with the cakes, I still have many different flavored cakes, and I'm just waiting for the certain person to be the frosting for each of them.



As I begin to define myself, and refine who I am meant to ultimately become, I will travel this journey, reach out to as many as possible, and gain as much as possible; even if it results in much loss. I'll save a soul, and be a friend. I'll save a frown, and give a grin. I'll save a tear, and hug a little longer. Eventually I will be able to do my best, because I owe it to him. I can never go a day in my life, and say I was never in debt. For my living today is proof that I am forever in his debt. So I'll refine as I define the soul purpose of my being. I make walk it alone in worldly terms at times... But in the eternal perspective of everything, I know I'll never be left comfortless, or alone. For the Lord blesses us through those around us... Have I blessed you?

Victory and defeat are each of the same price.

In life it's not about how perfect we can become at who we make ourselves, but by how great we become by making ourselves great.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.

What you get by achieving your goal is not as important as what you become by achieving your goal.

Do I REALLY get an eternity of this...?

Oh my stars in heaven!
Today has been a fantastic one! It started off with waking up at 5:40 this morning, and then I went with Mari and Kirsten to Ihop. We decided to go just because we wanted to, that's good enough reason... right? Well, when I went to pay (I was the only one with moola, and I had offered to pay for their meals), I found out that they only accept Visa/Mastercard Debit/Credit cards... Mine wasn't either. Just a plain debit card. Well, I walked over to the gas station with Kirsten by Ihop to use the ATM... Well, it didn't accept my card. So, I ended up going to QT, and using my debit to get $30 out of my debit card, and got back to Ihop, and payed for it. Thing is, it took about 20 minutes to do this. Afterward, Kirsten and I came home, I decided I was going to go back to bed... So, I did. I woke up at about 11:45 and then decided to take a shower, ACTUALLY do my hair, and get ready for work. I was ready by 1:15, so I took my check from work, which I got in the mail, and cashed it/stuck half of it into savings. I then got to work 15 minutes early (Jeff was proud. He said so!), and was able to clock in 2 minutes early! It was sweet. The whole shift went amazingly. I was singing, dancing, cleaning, working, and loving all of it! I got home at 10:15, did laundry, and then I practiced dance (Nyssa, I need help with the Hornpipe step... I kinda.. don't remember it too well.) I then came upstairs, after my legs started hurting really badly, and I talked to Brenton, Peter, Mari, Greg, Jordan, and others who would randomly say hello. My day was made when I saw a video Robert had posted when his mouth was numb from getting his Wizzum (Wisdom) teeth pulled, yesterday. I started on a video I'll be sure to have done by tonight.

What a day!

Today was mediocre. I ended up 6 minutes late to work, which Jeff didn't mind noticing, mentioning/pointing out to me. From there I worked a laborious shift, and waited (as I usually do) for 30 minutes, until my mom actually picked me up... which just so happened to be 30 minutes after I clocked out. It kinda upsets me that she's late to pick me up 99% of the time. I must add that I DID NOT PUMMEL my face with a Gatorade today *Does happy dance*! After work I came home surfed Facebook, then Nyssa and Digory (My Nephew!) came over, and Nyssa informed us... or I should say, said with deep sadness, that Digory will be 1 in less than a month. She showed me ghilles that I ended up buying from her for $50 (They're SWEET on so many levels!). I then went to Institute, which I skipped the 2nd half of... because I missed the first half. So, I instead played the piano in the chapel. Elder Stevenson, and the new Elder, Elder Gordon, came and thanked me for NOT putting salt in the cookies I made them. I've decided that if Elder Gordon's spot had been taken by anyone else, I wouldn't approve; but Elder Gordon... I definitely approve! Well, after Institute was over, I hung out on the stage, and then left at 10 with Mari, where we went to the Family Ward Elders apartment, and left them food. NOW, we're just praying that the food is on the doorstep still! Or that the Elders were able to get their food without anyone stealing it. I then came home, registered for the Dallas Feis ("Fesh"... An Irishdancing competition) with Nyssa, and talked to Thomas for the first time in a really long time. Overall, Thursday, April 2nd, was a fantastic day! With it's downs... but I suppose without the downs, ups wouldn't exist! And I had tons of ups during my day. It was Shveet (sweet).

-N.May

"Your faith will get you to where you want to be."

That was said you me in a blessing I received from my Father and Brother Howlett while I was in the hospital back in May... The prayer also said "You will be able to do what you have already planned".

A lot of you don't know what I'm talking about, about why... It was the week I gained a testimony of Fasting and Prayer.

May 20th, 2008 I woke up at 2:45am with excruciating pain in my left side. I couldn't breathe, nor could I walk. Not being able to breathe I couldn't yell for help. I ended up crawling to my parents bedroom door, and decided not to disturb them. I ended up crawling down the stairs and lied on a couch until about 3:15 where I then yelled at loudly as I could, which only came out at me speaking normally. I received a blessing, and we got the prompting to take me to the ER, that this was no regular side pain. I ended up in the ER at 4:15 where I would randomly start convulsing, and would have to throw up before I'd calm down. At 4:30 they had an IV in me pumping morphine through my system. By 5:15 they had cleared schedules to get me in to get a cat scan. At 5:45 they came in (urgently enough to wake me up from my drugged up slumber) to tell us that I had a fluid filled cyst the size of a grapefruit under my left kidney, and that if they didn't do surgery soon enough, It might burst which would've resulted in having kidney failure. By 6:45 I was breathing in Anesthesia, and remember the distinct ringing in my ears as I heard the nurse say "Just breathe... just breathe.." And as I drifted off, I heard the doctor come in and say "Is she down yet?" In which I closed my eyes and reminisced in the familiar smell and feel of being put under... for the 8th time in the past 3 years.

I remember waking up, and hearing my mom say "We're going to the cafeteria." I didn't open my eyes, but I then felt the nurse mess with the IV in my arm. I then drifted off... I figured out later when I finally woke up all the way that I had woken up at 10:30 to hear my parents say that, but got out of surgery at 8:15. I stayed asleep until 2:45 where they then took me into my room. I found out later that I would have to stay in the hospital for a week. Here was the problem, It was Tuesday, but I was leaving on Saturday to go to Utah, for EFY. And I was going to EFY, no matter what. I told my doctor "I'm getting out on Saturday" he laughed at me, and said "I don't think so... and you're definitely not traveling." so Wednesday we get news from the Operating doctor, Dr.Pinto, that they were going to have to place a drain in my side, to put into the cyst so it could drain. Mari was a trooper and was there every day. I then gave into the reality and said "Can you call Thomas and Jessica and tell them I'm not going to EFY?" She asked if I wanted to call and tell them.. And right then the tears welled up in my eyes and said "No." She called and told Thomas, who told Jessica. That... that was hard. Then Brandon and Brother Howlett came and visited that evening, along with my siblings and dad. My mom, of course, was with me the whole time I was in the hospital. I then asked Mari to re-call Thomas and Jessica and ask them to pray and fast for me, which she didn't hesitate in doing. I then had my Father and Brother Howlett give me that blessing. And I knew after that blessing, that everything would be alright. Thursday, I waited... Prayed.. and waited. Friday, I had the drain placed in my side, which then drained the thing COMPLETELY by that evening. Dr.Pugach (My doctor since I've been 12), came in and said "You're not allowed to go anywhere. I'll send you home, but you'll have the drain in, and a nurse will come see you." And I said "No, I'm going home tomorrow." He then looked at me and said "Ha... No. You're not. You won't be well enough to go anywhere, so this vacation is out of the question, I'm sorry." I then said to myself "I'm going to EFY." Saturday he said there was no way I was going to be leaving. Friday night I had the IV taken out, as I was able to drink, and eat on my own... Mari called me on Saturday and said "We got us flights to Utah, for tomorrow night at 6:15PM." and she asked "So, you're going to get out by tomorrow, right?" and I asked "I don't know.. why?" And she said "Just wondering.." I ended the conversation, and I was told that Mari had sent a mass text to everyone in her phone book, and asked them to pray and fast on Thursday, for me. Elijah Vandergriff, my then really good friend, also fasted and prayed, and sent a mass text to all of his friends... I found out, and all of a sudden I knew I was going. I knew it. And my mom said "You probably won't go.." And I refused to believe it, and said "Yes, I will. You just watch and see." Sunday Morning came around and Dr.Pugach was off duty. So Dr. Leslie McQuiston came in, and said "She can have the drained pulled out.. She'll be fine." And asked that I not be too active on vacation. She advised I not go at all, but I did. I got out of the hospital at 10:30am, and was on an airplane at 6:15. I had had surgery 2 days before, but I wouldn't let that stop me. So, I went to Utah because I'm stubborn, and I love to prove people wrong, especially when it comes to proving the truthfulness of faith.

The first day, I found out I wasn't rooming with Jessica, OR Mari.. but that they were put in the same Company, as I was put in a completely different one. It really seemed my faith was in vain. But I went on... I walked about 8 miles the first day, but refused to ride in a wheelchair. Because I believed that if saints could cross the plains day after day, and live... I could live too. The first day, I got along well with a few people. But not many.. I was still bitter. I made sure Mari wouldn't tell Thomas or Jessica I was going to EFY.. They thought I was still in the hospital. I walked into Jessica's dorm and said "Jessica!" And I remember the look on her face when she saw me.. And I knew I was suppose to be there. After dinner, I went to look for Thomas... When I saw him, I yelled "Thomas!" And I remember the look on his face as he said "You're suppose to be in the hospital!" The 3 best hugs I had at EFY, were the the hugs I gave David, Thomas, and Jessica. Day two, I was starting to love my Company.. they seemed pretty cool. By Wednesday, I was defying all of the Doctors and my parents rules, and I was actually RACING Ryan (One of the Counselors) and another down the field during game night. After game night, I was.. well... Me. I was hyper, insane, and singing as loudly and obnoxiously as possible with the other girls in my company. They then said "You need to calm down.." In which I did. I then became tired, and was ready to go to bed, not have Pizza. But they all insisted I stay for Pizza, so I did. It was a fun night, aside from me being killer tired. Thursday was amazing, as it was testimony night... I because really close with all the girls, especially Melissa Lunt and Eden Kreps. I still have the connection with all the girls in my company, and I know why I was to go through the trials I did.. And I'm glad I passed the test.

The past 2 months I've been struggling to find that faith again, to gain that knowledge of truth, To KNOW that I know.

After a while...

I have returned to THIS Blog!

BUT... I'm keeping up my other blog, too! This one is going to be a more of a... journal type deal. As the other will stay spiritually based, and oh so random.. =)

HUZZAH TO OLD BLOGS!

-Nat

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